Let’s face it: I’ve been putting this off for a long time. I’m a bad Magic player, but, when it comes to writing tough articles, an even worse procrastinator.

My year at Scrub Report is up! I can’t call myself a true beginner anymore, and it’s time for this column to get some fresh voices. Pretty soon you’ll be enjoying the weekly tales of another hapless scrub. Laugh inwardly as they too descend down the absurd, hilarious path of learning Magic.

It starts exactly like this.

A couple days ago, I walked to the local game shop to pick up the 2015 Deck Builder’s Tookit. It had been a pretty rough week, and the thought of sitting on my bed in the dark and opening packs sounded really decent.

I took a few photos along the way and thought really hard about writing about my meaningful, 12-month journey from terrible to pretty mediocre Magic player. I was even starting to get sentimental, which is usually kinda difficult for an inconsiderate and emotionally vacant guy like me.


Look at all that symbolism and stuff.

But after some more consideration, I scrapped that idea. Instead, I asked my friends to describe their sex lives with Magic cards. It’s like MtG Cards Against Humanity.

Some answers were a little bit sad:


“Ascended to a more perfect realm” is our new lingo for “watching Netflix alone on Friday nights.”

Others were pretty confusing. Maybe I need to reevaluate the people I hang out with.


Romantic date night, or kidnapping, zombies, and assault?

And some were too perfect.


After a few days of this, I branched out into other questions. Maybe we could use Magic cards to understand perfect universal truths, like describing your perfect relationship:


“It’s how I imagine meeting The One. That sensation of that shock.”

How would you describe your classmates?


“Well, just the premeds anyway.”

And even the queen of Pretty Drafts choose her all-time favorite pretty card. We’re in the process of deckbuilding Pretty Bird tribal.


“If this was on a graphic T-shirt, I’d wear it. With a leather jacket.”

And that, I think, brings us pretty close to the end of this journey.

I have nothing but praise and appreciation for the writers and members of the Hipsters crew. It’s been an eventful year for everyone! Hunter, the guy nice enough to take a chance on this kid, celebrated his marriage and attendance at a Pro Tour, which is pretty amazing. Carrie, of NSPB fame, helped me understand the formats I could never decipher on my own. And I need to thank Dave, Matt, Rich, Lina, Monique, Zac, and the rest of team for welcoming me into their community, introducing me to the universe of Magic, and generally making my world a lot more interesting. If we were a family, I’d be that weird, dissociative nephew.

We’ve welcomed something like three new columnists over the past few months, which is absolutely sick, and I’m 100% sure you’ll love the new scrubs (despite my best efforts to warn them of what’s coming).

The End!

But not really, I’m just waiting for round two to start.

Tony is HotC’s retired scrub and Hipster-at-Large. He mostly lives and studies in Philadelphia, but likes to travel all over.

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