If we’ve learned anything in the past few days it’s that Nazis are still the worst and punching them is still the best. Punching Nazis is one of the most tried and true American pastimes, and it’s right up there with fine American traditions like eating apple pie and celebrating your nation’s independence by blowing up a piece of it. Every blue-blooded patriot, from Captain America to Wil Wheaton, loves punchable villains and they don’t come any more punchable than Nazis.

I’ve used my soapbox within this community in the past to talk about social justice issues and I certainly debated the merits of talking about what took place in Virginia this past weekend. Ultimately though there’s not much to talk about it. Nazis are terrible human beings who are filled with hate and wish nothing but harm on the rest of humanity to serve their own selfish needs. Anyone who associates with or rallies alongside Nazis is a Nazi-sympathizer and basically just as bad. Not many issues are as black-and-white/cut-and-dry but here we are.

So, now that we’ve gotten that aside, I wanted to get back to punching Nazis, but this is a Magic blog and there’s no Nazis in the multiverse. There are some variations of fascism however including the oligarchical ruling class on Kaladesh, the Cabal on Otaria (Dominaria), and the elites of Mercadia. So, without further ado, here are the top 10 most punchable villains in the history of the multiverse. Enjoy!

Honorable Mention: Phage / Yawgmoth (Tie)

Technically Phage, the Untouchable and Yawgmoth both have perfectly punchable faces (or at least they once did in the case of the lord of the wastes). However, because touching either of them would result in you dying immediately, I’ve decided to keep them off of the punchability scale below, in an effort to avoid encouraging readers to attempt to punch either of these villains.

10. Mairsil / Lim-Dul

We kick things off with this wizard-turned-psychological-tormentor in Mairsil, the villain of the Dark. Mairsil, the Pretender, was more of an anarchist than a fascist but still manipulated the fears of others to get what he wanted, which of course was more power. He was defeated by the archmage Jodah only to then possess the mind and body of the necromancer Lim-Dul. After Lim-Dul was defeated by Jodah, during the Ice Age, Mairsil moved on to one last host in Jaya Ballard, who was able to finally defeat Mairsil when her planeswalker spark ignited.

9. Ixidor

Ixidor was a whiny brat and also the reincarnation of a millennia-old all-powerful wizard who had both defeated the primeval dragons of Dominaria, created Karona, and defeated Karona. This time around Ixidor created Akroma who combined with Phage to become Karona. Are you keeping up? The important thing to note is that Ixidor could sculpt reality and chose to just create an angel who looked like his dead girlfriend who died in the death pits of Cabal City because Ixidor forced her to fight. Is anything more punchable than that? Why yes, there must be because Ixidor only comes in at number nine on our list!

8. Dovin Baan

We come to our first planeswalker on the list with a recent addition to the multiverse. Baan is definitely your run of the mill oligarch operating within the highest ranks of the government on Kaladesh. What earns this vedalken a spot at number eight is the fact that he sold his people out to uber-fascist Tezzeret (coming soon to a punchable list near you) in exchange for more power and control over his people. The result was poor people and minorities being treated like second-class citizens while the wealthy elite profited off their suffering. Sound familiar?

7. Crovax

Crovax, one of the main villains of the Weatherlight Saga, earned this position thanks to the very artwork depicted in the card above, Massacre. It’s not just that, well, look at how punchable Pete Venters made Crovax’s face here, but also the act depicted behind him. In the story for the novel Stronghold, Crovax travels to a village of enslaved people on Rath, and instead of wasting further resources on them massacres them all to send a message to Phyrexia about how ruthless he is. Punch away, friends.

6. Volrath

The main villain of the Weatherlight Saga earns a spot in the bottom-half of the list thanks to his lifelong torment of our hero Gerrard. Ultimately though Volrath is not really a fascist but just a misunderstood soul who had an abusive father and was publicly humiliated by his best friend as a child. Secretly Volrath listens to classical music and keeps a gallery of art he absconds from the nightmares of the people he tortures in his stronghold. Okay, maybe he is made of pure evil and should be punched.

5. Avacyn, the Purifier

Purification is a popular theme among Nazis and Nazi-supporters and there were certainly hints of ethnic cleansing among the followers of the corrupted guardian angel of Innistrad. What was more damning was the way in which her followers razed the villages of Innistrad and murdered innocents in the name of amassing power for themselves while Avacyn wasn’t looking. It was a rough time to be on Innistrad, a plane where the base-line for existence is pretty rough already. Avacyn deserved to be punched in the face and her creator Sorin Markov did so, with the pointy end of his sword.

4. Ertai

Look at that face. Look at that flavor text. Long before Jace Beleren was the de facto snarky blue mage of Magic lore, there was Ertai, the wise-cracking student of Barrin’s who was sent with Gerard to recover Sisay from Volrath’s stronghold. Gerard had no choice but to abandon Ertai where he was corrupted by Crovax and turned to serve Phyrexia, though he remained snarky as ever.

3. Ral Zarek

While many feel that Jace is the heir to Ertai’s throne, I would suggest that in fact it is this very punchable Izzet mage: Ral Zarek. To add icing to the cake, (spoiler warning) we recently discovered that Ral Zarek secretly works for Nicol Bolas. In the meantime however he’s been nothing but a snarky thorn in Jace Beleren’s (and Niv Mizzet’s) side. Not that that really makes him too punchable. What really seals the deal is the fact that he can’t just own up to his feelings and tell Beleren how he really feels about him. Come on Ral.

2. Tezzeret

Meet the new poster child for fascism in the Multiverse. While Bolas is ruthless and cunning and simply exerts his will to take what he wants, Tezzeret is manipulative and calculating and more interested in the politics of turning an entire world into a fascist oligarchy so that he can funnel all of the plane’s resources to the elites in an effort to produce one inventor at the top that can build the device he wants. Also Tezzeret was more than happy to play both sides politically while Phyrexia was taking over Mirrodin. Yikes. Punch the crap out of Tezzeret next time you see him.

1. Ambassador Laquatus

If you’ve read the story of Odyssey block or are at least familiar with it then you’re aware of how Laquatus manipulated the entire continent of Otaria into multiple wars so that he could get his hands on the Mirari. Now, that’s a level of pure evil that is certainly worthy of inclusion on our list, but what really does it for us is the fact that Laquatus is a complete politician, unwilling to fight his own battles, relying on using mind control on others to do his bidding. Eventually he meets his fate at the business end of Kamahl’s Mirari-infused sword (which, bonus Vorthos points, was forged from the remains of Urza’s staff).

What About Bolas?

You can’t just go punch Bolas. You have to invent a time travel paradox, go back in time, and stop Bolas before he becomes so powerful that he’s now unstoppable and has destroyed half the multiverse. Return to Tarkir perhaps?

Rich Stein advocates the punching of all Nazis, fascists, racists, misogynists, bigots, anti-semites, homophobes, xenophobes, islamophobes, and any and all other forms of evil incarnate. Come back next week for a list of punchable story heroes which is really just a list alternating back and forth between Gerard and Jace.

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