Hi, my name is Rich Stein and I am the CEO of Hipsters of the Coast. This year I decided to see if there were any companies out there interested in an acquisition partnership. Here’s how it went.
10. Hasbro
I think this guy right here is a shrewd businessman, too bad they don’t let him make the decisions.
We told them that with the money they could infuse into our content operation we could make an animated show about Magic: The Gathering to go along with all their other cartoons but they told us they already had one of those in the works. We didn’t understand and I moved on.
9. Mattel
Maybe spend a little less on custom landscaping guys. There’s a climate crisis going on.
If Hasbro wasn’t interested I was sure their chief competitor would be. I was wrong. They had no idea what a Magic: The Gathering was. I actually don’t think they had any clue what was going on. I quietly left while they were monologuing about how princess dolls were going to save their company. Whatever.
8. Star City Games
Is this the right place? Maybe the Bingo hall can buy my website.
You know what, nevermind.
7. Channel Fireball TCG Player
This is the right address but this doesn’t look like CFB headquarters.
Channel Fireball has always been one of the community’s premier content sites and I thought we could combine our experience and expertise in news coverage and community building with their world class strategy content and… what’s that, oh I see. Moving on.
6. Wizards of the Coast
I want the record to state that Hipsters of the Coast’s headquarters is technically much closer to the “coast” than Wizards of the Coast’s headquarters and therefore we should be entitled to all “Of the Coast” royalties.
Did you know Wizards of the Coast isn’t its own company anymore? I think they were sick of all the trolls calling them “Wizards of the Coast, a Subsidiary of Hasbro” as if that meant something to Hasbro. Anyways, they still think they’re making a cartoon one day but I’m really not sure what they’re talking about.
5. Riot
I always assumed League of Legends was made in a dark hole that much more resembled the setting of Five Nights at Freddy’s.
These guys made a cartoon though. Since that seemed important to the Hasbro folks I decided to ask Riot if they wanted to buy a Magic: The Gathering content site and yeah that idea is about as dumb as it sounds now that I read it back to myself.
4. TCG Player eBay
Again, right address, but something seems off, I can’t quite put my finger on it.
TCG Player has always been one of the community’s premier content sites and I thought we could combine our experience and expertise in news coverage and community building with their world class strategy content and… what? Seriously? Again? It’s been like, what, a month? Moving on.
3. Spotify
Fun Fact: Spotify pays $70 per square foot in monthly rent for this office in Manhattan!
I offered to become the Joe Rogan of the Magic community but it turns out there’s enough of those already.
2. The New York Times
I don’t have anything snarky to say here. That facade is a NYC icon and if you have anything bad to say about it so help me god I will bury you at the bottom of the East River.
Okay I don’t really have anything for this one but their offices were close to Spotify’s and I figured what the heck. And now I know exactly how long I can get laughed at before I get up and show myself out.
1. Alta Fox Capital
I spent five minutes lazily Googling Alta Fox Office and found nothing. But if you Google Fox Office you get Fox Mulder’s office which, let’s be honest, is way more appealing.
Last but not least, I thought maybe a down-on-its-luck hedge fund could make itself feel better by letting them replace our board of directors with “activists” but then they saw that Jon Finkel has me blocked on Twitter and asked me to leave.
Guess we’ll just have to keep running this company ourselves for the next decade.