Fired up from the thrill of playing with cardboard collectibles that you haven’t felt since middle school, you’re rearing to get to your local hobby shop and upgrade that EDH deck you slapped together with the few measly cards you had lying around. Geist of Saint Traft was really the only legendary creature you had? Seriously?
Of course you know you shouldn’t be getting anything too expensive, so here are the top ten cards you’ll want to splurge on and immediately feel guilty for buying, which will guarantee your friends will never talk to you again, much less play Magic with you. Maybe a pauper cube if you’re lucky.
10. Cyclonic Rift
Cyclonic Rift’s gotta go in at number ten because it’s a running punchline now and it’s also $30. If you buy this, you don’t need to worry about people thinking you’re an asshole. They will.
9. Ensnaring Bridge
Yeah, Ensnaring Bridge is one of the few cards you dimly remember playing with your old black control deck way back when! You thought this would draw the heat off of you, but now the green ramp player is just picking away at you every turn until you’re out. Great job.
8. Time Stretch
The most annoying thing about casual multiplayer commander is that you spend 90% of the time waiting for someone to figure out what they’re doing. So of course, you’re going to make everyone else wait three times as long for you to set everything up for yourself. On the plus side, everyone gets a bathroom break and time to go buy another drink.
7. Opposition Agent
You thought it would be fun to play a thievery-control style deck, to temper everyone’s excitement about the cool new card they want to play. Look at your big brains! Now before you know it, you’re going to be back at home on Wednesday nights with plenty of time to binge Sandman (again), and check to see if there’s any announced Secret Lair Drop collab cards! They could totally do a reskinned Ashiok, Nightmare Muse as Dream, right??? OMG!
6. Mindslaver
I mean come on. Who in their right mind is putting something in their friendly deck where you’re able to take control of another player’s turn fully? Oh no, I accidentally saw the next card in the list.
5. Sen Triplets
You just don’t stop with the control stuff, do you? What’s more fun than playing your own turn? Getting to play someone else’s hand during your own turn! Slap on Lightning Greaves and this cheap partykiller will have you out the door in no time.
4. Confusion in the Ranks
Yeah, let’s play Magic, have a few beers with friends and just relax. Oh, what’s that you played? A card that makes everyone lose track of every permanent, throwing the entire game into chaos? Hope no one brought the same color card protectors.
3. Blood Moon
Oh great, everyone’s tricked out nonbasics and much needed fetch lands are worthless now, and unless someone pulls out an enchantment removal the game is now slowed to a crawl.
2. Enter the Infinite
Instead of having a quick turn that everyone has to sit through, your “friends” will experience the joy of watching you rifle through your deck and figure out how to win for approximately 30-45 minutes. You really are an asshole, aren’t you?
1. Apocalypse
11PM is rolling around. One player has finally been knocked out of the game. Things are in the home stretch. We all started the night excited to play some Magic and by now we definitely don’t want to hear the words “upkeep” or “draw” for the next week. But you had to do it, huh? Game reset. Now we’re all settling in as things start all over again. Where the hell did you even find this card? Were you using it as a bookmark?
Stephen Braigen is a writer based in Portland, OR. He learned to play Magic growing up in New York and his favorite card is Donate.