By Clayton Adams

To mark the new Magic core set’s upcoming release this Friday, here are the top 10 sexy shirtless cards of M14! Not a lot of sex appeal this time around—a little fried from all the sexy Vampires and Werewolves of Innistrad, always showing off their hot bodies. Where are we now, Ravnica? It’s an interesting place, lots of almost-naked angels and conservatively dressed men. Also for whatever reason only the dead get fat.

10) Mark of the Vampire

Sorin always finds the jock guys with the leather arm bands and Seven jeans. He says it’s to strengthen his brand, present an illusion of uniformity—but in reality I just don’t think he could handle a tweaker vampire.

9) Awaken the Ancient

Philip here wins best bulge of 2014, it’s not shown here but it is quite large. I call it a hillcock.

8) Oath of the Ancient Wood

Holding it down for green is one of the wood boys. Culled from the elite squad of wood elves, these members are conscripted into a life of total devotion to wood. Jason here is playing with a magic hula hoop.

7) Young Pyromancer

Cormic the Teen Pyromancer left the Teen Titans after an altercation involving Beast Boy and a “Big Book of British Haircuts: 1960s.” Later he formed Young Justice—why not?

6) Shadowborn Demon

Certainly you have heard of Shadowborn Demon and his troop of dour model party girls by now, and no wonder! That face, so hot it’s on fire. (I am here all week.)

5) Negate

Always a favorite: MTGloryhole.

4) Pacifism

Another classic, albeit a tad creepy—those deer are not respecting his personal space. But damn, this guy could give Deathgreeter a run for best abs.

3) Merfolk Spy

Merfolk wear way too many clothes. Why do they even have clothes? Jerry the Merfolk Spy is getting to the bottom of it!

2) Phantom Warrior

Is the Phantom Warrior naked? I am pretty sure he is. Thank god he can be targeted. One of these days we will be together, Phantasmal Image.

1) Celestial Flare

Woof! Treasure trail, harness, body glitter, magic orgasms…. Of course he is one of Gideon’s.

That’s it for M14, it’s unfortunate that so many are reprints! Come on Wizards! Clearly Clint Cearley has some designs to share…

Back in 2008, when Clayton Adams got into Magic, he couldn’t find a creature type, color, or deck strategy that really clicked with him—until he saw Deathgreeter, and knew he had found it: He would build the all-powerful sexy shirtless dudes deck.

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