July in South Carolina means 95 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade, humidity so intense that sweat never dries, and a nonstop, Bedlam-barbershop chorus of cicadas, frogs, and heat-dazed birds. The only break in the stupefying heat is when an apocalyptic thunderstorm rolls through and soaks everything, but that only lasts until the sun breaks back through.
In other words, I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors, which means I’ve been spending a lot of time on Arena, flat as a splooting squirrel under a ceiling fan, narrating my games in a soothing cadence to my infant daughter.
The addition of Lord of the Rings: Tales of Middle-Earth on Arena has made me pick Historic back up, and led to me crafting some pretty abominable decks in service of wringing every drop of value out of Orcish Bowmasters–the nadir of which was me registering a deck with Howling Mine. I’ve had more success with Historic Brawl, where I started with a Rona, Herald of Invasion “draw triggers” deck, before adding Green and switching it up to a Zimone and Dina Brawl deck. The relative success of the deck–and the extremely enjoyable loops it sets up–led me back to Standard, which I’ve found refreshed after the recent bans. Previously, I’d been playing Nissa “combo” in Standard–Nissa, Resurgent Animist plus Nissa, Ascended Animist plus Awaken the Woods–but this Zimone and Dina deck outperforms it and is more fun to pilot.
We don’t have Orcish Bowmasters in Standard, because I’m not in charge of Wizards, but we do have the core of the deck–I’ve taken a Sultai Zimone and Dina deck through to Diamond over the last three weeks, and can definitively say it’s the most fun I’ve had in Standard since Time Spiral was current. Zimone and Dina is exceptionally powerful, but they’ve gone underplayed since they debuted–finding GBU on turn three, waiting a turn, and finding cannon fodder for their ability has been tough when your opponent’s turn three is Fable of the Mirror-Breaker.
Unlike Fable, Sheoldred, the Apocalypse isn’t going anywhere any time soon, so we might as well form an alliance. The best ways to do so are: a) land a Sheoldred earlier and protect her better than your opponent and b) draw more cards than your opponent to put the game out of their reach. Card advantage has always won games, but when it comes with a burst of two life per card, it also keeps you from losing. The best thing about Sheoldred is how she’s warped the metagame–every deck is running unconditional removal to deal with her, and so our other threats go underanswered. Nahiri’s Warcrafting and Go For the Throat measure up well against our cards individually, but opponents often panic and kill Sheoldred or Glissa Sunslayer and lack an answer for our Zimone and Dina or a 4/6 Ledger Shredder. When almost every card is both a must-answer threat and an opaque one, you know you’ve hit something special.
Here’s what I’ve been running:
4 Ledger Shredder
4 Rona, Herald of Invasion
3 Jadar, Ghoulcaller of Nephalia
2 The Raven Man
2 Gix, Yawgmoth Praetor
3 Glissa Sunslayer
4 Zimone and Dina
4 Sheoldred, the Apocalypse
1 Hidetsugu and Kairi
3 Go For the Throat
4 Tyvar, Jubilant Brawler
1 Sorin, the Mirthless
1 Teferi, Temporal Pilgrim
2 Island
1 Otawara, Soaring City
2 Swamp
1 Takenuma, Abandoned Mire
1 Boseiju, Who Endures
3 Forest
4 Darkslick Shores
4 Deathcap Glade
2 Dreamroot Cascade
4 Plaza of Heroes
Sideboard:
4 Faerie Mastermind
4 Graveyard Trespasser/Graveyard Glutton
3 Ertai Resurrected
2 Thrun, Breaker of Silence
2 Invasion of Fiora/Marchesa, Resolute Monarch
The goldfish line of play is Jadar, Ghoulcaller of Nephalia into Zimone and Dina. You can now sacrifice your Decayed Zombie token on your turn to drain your opponent for two and hopefully ramp; The Raven Man and Rona, Herald of Invasion provide backup options for this track. All that filtering and looting leads you to the inevitable Sheoldred, the Apocalypse or to Teferi. Tyvar, Jubilant Brawler is here to give your team pseudo-Haste, and allows you to fire off Zimone and Dina or Rona a turn early or buy back Ledger Shredder, Rona, Jadar, or The Raven Man. This deck exploits Plaza of Heroes better than even Esper Legends–Zimone and Dina are tough to cast on turn three otherwise, but Plaza does everything you need in the early game and safeguards your Sheoldred in the late game.
The sideboard is about what you’d expect in Standard–graveyard hate, Faerie Mastermind against removal-light decks–aside from Invasion of Fiora, which is truly hilarious in this deck. About 80% of your deck is Legendary, meaning the Battle is a Plague Wind with upside.
Our reliance on tapping out for Legendary permanents every turn, though, does have drawbacks. The deck struggles against aggro decks, especially mono-Red and mono-White, both of which are overrepresented in the early ranks of the Arena ladder. The omnipresent strategy of Kumano Faces Kakkazan into Phoenix Chick into a flurry of burn just outraces you unless you can land a Sheoldred on turn four. But we’re not trying to top 4 a major tournament here at the start of the dog days: we’re trying to draw so many cards in a single turn that Arena crashes.
Just for the sake of continuing the fun–although I recognize this is like entering a dune buggy into Le Mans–I did mock up an untested Modern version of this deck.
4 Delighted Halfling
4 Orcish Bowmasters
4 Rona, Herald of Invasion/Rona, Tolarian Obliterator
2 Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy/Jace, Telepath Unbound
3 Zimone and Dina
2 Endurance
3 Sheoldred, the Apocalypse
4 Thoughtseize
1 Bitterblossom
2 Time of Need
3 Grist, the Hunger Tide
4 Tyvar, Jubilant Brawler
4 Mana Confluence
4 Misty Rainforest
4 Polluted Delta
3 Overgrown Tomb
2 Breeding Pool
2 Watery Grave
2 Forest
1 Dryad Arbor
1 Swamp
Sometimes, you draft a deck and feel as though you’ve found a contractual loophole that is going to let you get away with murder; sometimes, you draft a deck and realize you’ve created a worse version of Golgari Yawgmoth combo.
I have to admit, putting aside my passion for this deck, that the actual power is in Sheoldred and Ledger Shredder, and that basically any deck built around that core would succeed. Still, there’s nothing like getting a concession when you cast Zimone and Dina and there’s nothing like clawing your way back to victory by draining for two a turn. Is it going to get you to Mythic in record speed? No. Are you taking this to a tabletop tournament beyond the FNM level? Absolutely not. But when your overheated brain and enervated body are dragging you down, you’ve got two options: jump in a pool or, failing that, refresh yourself by indulging in a deeply silly deck.
Rob Bockman (he/him) is a native of South Carolina who has been playing Magic: the Gathering since Tempest block. A writer of fiction and stage plays, he loves the emergent comedy of Magic and the drama of high-level play. He’s been a Golgari player since before that had a name and is never happier than when he’s able to say “Overgrown Tomb into Thoughtseize,” no matter the format.