As 2016 comes to a close it’s time to look back on a year of Magical storytelling. This week we’re going to do something a bit different and go through all 35 planeswalkers listed on the official guide and catch you up on what they’ve been up to this year. Those who have been naughty will rightfully get Coal Golems sent to their home this holiday season while those who have been nice will rightfully get caught up in Gideon Jura‘s latest do-gooder scheme and get themselves eaten by Eldrazi (or worse).
Without further ado, we hope you enjoy this year’s official Naughty or Nice Planeswalker guide!
Ajani Goldmane [Naughty]
It’s been a rough time for Ajani who lost his best friend, Elspeth, to the wrath of the god Heliod on Theros. So he visited his not-best friend, Tamiyo, on Kamigawa to recover before deciding to go to Kaladesh and look into what Tezzeret, who is from the same home plane as Ajani, happened to be up to. But, Ajani didn’t respect Alaran customs and invite Tezzeret to a civilized Bantian luncheon when he arrived on Kaladesh. For being Naughty, Ajani will get one Noxious Gearhulk hiding in his stocking this holiday season.
Arlinn Kord [Naughty]
It was a good year for the first werewolf planeswalker who made her appearance in the Shadows Over Innistrad story. Arlinn has helped the werewolves of Innistrad find their way and defend themselves against the corrupt church of Avacyn. However, Arlinn also made Magic fans wait another three months for a Legendary Werewolf creature to be printed by taking up design space. For that, Arlinn will be hunted down by [Ulrich, Uncontested Alpha] to determine who is the best werewolf this holiday.
We haven’t had any update on what Ashiok has been up to since Ashiok’s appearance on Theros. Despite not making any appearance in the story in 2016, Ashiok continues to be the only gender-less Planeswalker who didn’t let their plane get overrun with Phyrexians (good job, Karn). For that, Ashiok will get what Ashiok has always wanted in Ashiok’s stocking: their very own Spirit of the Night to play with.
Chandra Nalaar [Naughty]
Chandra has been back on Kaladesh for more than a month now but in that time has failed to destroy the man who killed her father, has failed to destroy the man who imprisoned her mother, and has failed to bring complete anarchy and fire to her home plane. What kind of pyromancer is she? Chandra has been Naughty and as such will find that all of her enemies have been given Kor Firewalkers for the holidays.
Dack Fayden [Nice]
Similar to Ashiok, we haven’t heard from Dack in a long time. But also like Ashiok, Dack has a very special quality which is his incredibly handsome and rogue-ish good looks. How can you say no to that face while it’s robbing you blind? You can’t. If Gideon’s body had Dack’s face, well, I’ll let your imagination run with that one. We’ll be giving Dack a [Mirror Gallery] for the holidays so that we can see more of him.
The only goblin planeswalker had a very productive year. Daretti returned to Fiora just in time for a political coup and saw his own plans to disband the artifice academy in Paliano where he was once a master artificer. Daretti also helped instigate goblin riots and formed an alliance of sorts with Grenzo, the prison warden. Daretti gifted us with the joy of anarchy and chaos in Paliano (something Chandra has failed to provide on Kaladesh) so we will gift Daretti with 100 duck-sized Cogwork Librarians and one Cogwork Librarian-sized duck (which is also cogwork).
Domri Rade [Naughty]
Where are you Domri? Come back to us! In the meantime we will put an Azorius Arrester in your stocking in case you show up to check its contents.
Dovin Baan [Naughty]
Welcome to the multiverse, Dovin. I know you’re new here, but maybe don’t sell out an entire world of artifice and magic just so Tezzeret lets you play with his scraps. I mean, you seem nice, for a Vedalken that is, but you’ve been pretty naughty. I’m sure if you thought about it you would see fit to give yourself the requisite amount of carbon refuse for your precise level of naughtiness. I trust you’ll do the right thing.
Elspeth Tirel [Nice]
You know, I can’t recall Elspeth complaining at all this year about her never-ending search to find a home. For years it was nothing but whining out of Elspeth about how her home was destroyed by Phyrexians and then she had to deal with tragedies on Mirrodin, Alara, and Theros. But since that Theros thing I haven’t heard a peep out of Elspeth. Well done, you’ve been very nice, here’s one Daxos the Returned for being such a great planeswalker this year!
Freyalise died in the Mending, but if she was still around she’d still be a very mean elf. So we’re putting one of Jodah’s Avengers in her stocking this holiday just in case Freyalise returns to torment us.
Garruk Wildspeaker [Nice]
Let’s just assume that Garruk has spent his entire veil-cursed year killing other planeswalkers and let’s just assume that at least one of them was someone we didn’t like, and none of them were us. Nicely done, Garruk. Have a drink on us. And please don’t kill us. Pretty please.
Gideon Jura [Naughty]
Is anyone worse than Gideon? He inserts himself and his team into places they’re simply not wanted all for the sake of “justice.” I mean really, this guy is pretty intolerable. I can’t imagine a single planeswalker being less likable than Gideon. We don’t have enough Coal Golems to get the message across so we’ll just send a Coal Golem to Gideon every day for the rest of his life. Man, can you believe this guy?
Jace Beleren [Naughty]
Oh, okay I guess Gideon isn’t the worst. Let’s see, Jace almost ruined everything on Innistrad by not just working with Liliana or listening to what Tamiyo warned him about. Then Jace almost ruined everything on Kaladesh because of his personal grudge with Tezzeret. In the meantime is anyone looking after Ravnica? Guildpact? GUILDPACT?! There’s a Lavinia of the Tenth waiting for you in your stocking back on Ravnica. Don’t keep it waiting.
Is it so hard to deal with the Phyrexians? It’s literally the reason you were created thousands of years ago. Urza’s gone. Barrin’s gone. Gerrard is gone. Jeska is gone. Venser is gone. How many more “friends” have to bite the dust before you just take care of the Phyrexians? We’ll all be here waiting. In the meantime we’ll stick a Phyrexian Negator in your stocking so you can start there.
Congrats on being the first black planeswalker. Congrats on assassinating Brago the not-so-eternal. Congrats on being an all-around bad-ass. Everyone loves getting a puppy for the holidays so we got you some [Ghost Hounds]. Enjoy!
How could you let Kozilek destroy Lorthos? HOW COULD YOU, KIORA?! We’re stuffing your stocking with the torn up pieces of Lorthos, the Tidemaker.
On these cold winter nights us Vorthos fans can keep ourselves warm by debating whether or not Koth is still alive and if he is alive whether or not the Phyrexians have compleated him yet. It’s a fun discussion. Is he? Isn’t he? WHEN WILL YOU TELL ME DOUG BEYER? WHEN? I CAN’T TAKE THE SUSPENSE MUCH LONGER!
Sorry about that, let’s give Koth a Phyrexian Altar and call it even. I think.
That’s it for part one. Tune in Wednesday for the rest of the list!
What We Learned is a weekly feature here at Hipsters of the Coast written by former amateur Magic Player Rich Stein, who came really close to making day two of a Grand Prix on several occasions. Each week we will take a look at the past seven days of major events, big news items, and community happenings so that you can keep up-to-date on all the latest and greatest Magic: the Gathering community news.